Here recently, jealousy has reared its head in the most unexpected ways. I was caught off guard. I’m not a jealous person I thought. I’m just mad at my husband for playing mobile games excessively. I’m just mad at the P.T.O. for my time not being good enough for them. I’m just mad at….. everything. I’m no longer happy, although this is insane I continuously tell myself, I have everything that everyone wants in life. I have a husband who loves and supports me 100%. I have two kids who are amazing and try so very hard to please everyone.
But, that is not what is playing in my head. It is a constant repeat of how sure, I could try to do that, but I will never achieve anything from it. How I can work all day but it doesn’t matter to anyone and I mine as well just give up. I’m not good enough at anything to matter anymore. I questioned if my children would be better off without me. I try very hard to be the best mom that I can, but I am nowhere near good enough in my own opinion.
Every day, all day, in months my life went from manageable to near suicide. The overall blow of losing my job and becoming injured brought on such a depression. Such an empty hollow feeling. I would become angry to see my husband or kids happy doing something without me. I feel as if I turned inside out as a person. I used to be happy, easy-going, with the marriage all our friends are envious of. It seemed like overnight it was all gone. I was mad, jealous, sad, lonely and confused. Why couldn’t I shake this? Sure I had gotten a moment of depression here and there, but nothing like this.
After a major explosion between my husband and I, I saw the realization that I was placing blame on the wrong person. It was not his fault that suddenly, I had lost my self-esteem , I clung to him to fill this hollow feeling I felt when alone. But, this was not working. I was getting worse every day and it began to consume me. I spent my time instead of working, worrying that my husband was going to talk to with anyone but me. Everything began to suffer, my relationship with the kids, friendships, my appearance. One night, I told my husband that either I find and fix what is wrong or it will literally kill me. Again I’m the luckiest girl in the world as I had him and my mother to talk with me through this difficult time.
We discussed why I was mad. I couldn’t place anything other than my self-esteem issue. I promised that I would begin researching this subject the next day and begin to work on the problem. Little did I know I was not mad, I was jealous. I was jealous of what others had, of what I was lacking, of friendships my husband has, games that bring my kids hours of joy. I was allowing the Jealous green monster to control my life. I didn’t even realize what was going on.
I started researching the next day. I researched anger, jealousy, self-esteem issues. I began to write how I was feeling. I am learning how to recover at this point. I had never experienced allowing jealousy and depression to take over my life.
I am so very grateful that I was able to pull out. I remind myself every day that while I will never be a perfect mother, they would rather have me and all my faults than not have me at all. The kids don’t even know that I feel I’m not good enough. To them, I am the person who pours the juice, get’s them to school and tell them that I love them every night.
I have realized that I am not a person who is separate when I am a mom, blogger, wife, friend, alone, or in public. I am one person who is environmentally aware, politically informed, mom to two of the best people on this planet and a wife in a once in a lifetime relationship with my best friend.
I truly love this Actualized.org his videos have taught me so very much. I like that you don’t necessarily have to view them because it’s just him and a plain background. I can listen to him while I work. And it’s time I get to work. I see that I have wasted too much time in my, deep breath, self-pity. I have a hard time typing that because I feel self-pity was not what I experienced. I have felt self-pity on a day I drop my ice cream cone. That was not what this was. I feel that I have just gone through a world war in my head. I’m exhausted mentally, I’m destroyed physically, and my relationships have all suffered. I have to reprogram or as I like to put it, plug-in a new theme.
I know that I can fix this situation and bring it back to the happiness and joy that my life really is. I do know that I am better than what I put myself, through not only that, I love my family and would never hurt them intentionally. And when I lose my self-worth, it hurts them mentally. I am a very smart person. I no longer want to feel this way. I can change this, I can see the good in everyone else. Today, I will stop pushing blame on anyone. Including myself. Today, I will begin observing situations, and doing what I can to improve any situation I come across.
I also starting meditating. I really think that along with my exercising, my diet has improved 1000% in the past few months. I have gone through all of this without taking any medication. I actually hate having to take any type of medicine. lol, I’m worse than the kids. But I began to understand why, an addict if they feel the way I felt, chooses to use vs feeling that green eyed monster. I have learned that I have to take control. I am continuously reminding myself how I feel and noticing how I feel.
I have never been able to speak up for myself, always having that fight in my head “sit down, shut up, no one wants to hear you.” It will be so nice to be able to speak while I am feeling emotions. I always break. I start to cry, stutter, become incoherent. I look forward to removing this haunting shadow in my life. I look forward to being able to discuss politics with people. To talk about how I feel with my friends much more than I ever do.
Thank you so much for reading my blog. I hope that if you feel this way, maybe it lets you know that you’re not alone. I felt so empty, so hollow, without ever even knowing why. Days after my mental war, I am piecing it back together. Putting my schedules back into place. Kindling relationships that were hanging on by threads, accepting how I feel at all times. Talking about how I feel as I experience it. Observing my behavior and what triggers my anger. I’m looking forward to living the rest of my life without this horrible feeling of self-doubt. 🙂
Thanks for visiting my hodgepodge of a blog. This blog has become not only my career but also my link to sanity. 🙂 All of my images have been borrowed, please support the original creators by checking out their work!
**UPDATE** I’ve noticed so many times Jealousy has become relevant in the past week. Please keep checking back as I will be discussing this topic more often.